Is It Normal to Be Bored in a Good Marriage? What Dr. Orna Guralnik Told Michelle Obama

I almost skipped this episode of Michelle Obama's podcast IMO. Another hour-long conversation about marriage advice? I figured I'd heard it all.

The headlines focus on Michelle admitting being married to Barack is hard (08:00). But buried 27 minutes into the conversation, Dr. Orna Guralnik, psychotherapist and host of Showtime's Couples Therapy, said: “If you're bored, you're looking in the wrong direction.”

Say what now?

Dr. Guralnik explains that boredom in relationships signals self-disconnection, not incompatibility.

I watched the full 65-minute episode twice (once for me, once to pull quotes for you). Here are the 3 takeaways that didn't make it into the social media clips. And maybe just maybe it will change how you think about your relationship.

1. Boredom is a Symptom of Disconnection—From Yourself First

When you feel bored in your relationship, the real issue isn't your partner it's that you've disconnected from your own inner life. Dr. Guralnik explains that "there's nothing to be bored about ever in life," especially when raising children. Now I don’t know about that, I’ve heard “the days are long and the years fly by”, but perhaps I’m not framing parental boredom correctly.

I digress… So before turning to your spouse to fill the void, and trying to spice up your days, ask yourself:

Are you giving yourself space to notice the wonder around you?

Can you carve out 10 minutes in the morning to sit with your own thoughts and get that morning light like Papa Huberman suggests?

The relationship with yourself sets the foundation for every other connection.

2. Real Connection Happens "At the Edge” aka Where You Tremble

The bulk of the conversation was about finding meaningful experiences with your partner, and it not requiring grand gestures or expensive date nights. They happen when you're willing to "come to your edge” aka that vulnerable place where you're not quite sure what you'll say or how your partner will respond. Whew. Breathe cause it’s a scary place to be.

It’s asking your spouse what they were really feeling in a difficult moment at work, or admitting that small thing that's been bothering you. This is where intimacy lives: in the trembling, honest moments we usually avoid.

Vulnerability Is Not For The Weak

Perhaps the most actionable takeaway: tell your partner when you're struggling. Michelle's biggest regret from early motherhood? Not sharing her feelings of doubt and loneliness because she feared looking like she "couldn't handle it." But here's what Craig Robinson (her brother) confirms: most partners would respond with sympathy and helpfulness—if only you'd let them in. The fear of appearing weak keeps us isolated, but vulnerability is actually the path to deeper connection.

3. Stop Performing Your Life—Get Curious Instead

Social media has trained us to compare rather than connect. Michelle Obama reveals that even she and Barack struggle with this pressure to appear perfect. The antidote? Replace comparison with curiosity. I.e. Ask your partner surprising questions. Listen not to respond, but to truly hear what matters to them. As Dr. Guralnik says, "Ask questions that will surprise you.”

BONUS (2) from friend of the pod Dr. Lisa Brateman:

Trust Your Instinct—But Question It

While Dr. Guralnik emphasizes going to your edge and being vulnerable with suspicions (even uncomfortable ones like "the way you're chewing annoys me"), Dr. Lisa Brateman introduces an important caution about instinct. When someone feels their partner is cheating but has no evidence, Brateman warns that "sometimes your instinct is distorted by fear." She advises examining whether past trauma or experiences are triggering false alarms before acting on suspicion. This adds nuance to Guralnik's call for radical honesty. Sometimes we need to interrogate our own feelings first, especially when they might be rooted in projection rather than reality.

Listening is the Foundation

Dr. Brateman’s perspective:  "It's listening to each other. Somewhere along the line they stop paying attention, they stop listening... Listening and being present is the biggest compliment you can give." This echoes both Guralnik's emphasis on curiosity and Michelle's insights about how easily couples slip into going through the motions. Both experts agree: genuine attention—not grand gestures—is what keeps relationships alive.

Michelle Obama said something that perfectly captures what we explore on Legally Uncensored: 'Even when marriage is great, it's hard.’ But here's the question we asked psychotherapist Lisa Brateman that Michelle and Dr. Guralnik didn't address: When does 'hard' become a reason to leave?

As a divorce attorney, I see couples every day who stayed too long and couples who left too soon. Dr. Lisa Brateman helped me understand the difference.

→ Listen to the full episode → Drop a comment: Have you ever stayed in something 'hard' that turned out to be worth it? Or left something 'hard' and realized it was the right call?"