Why Do People Say They'll Never Remarry When The Data Says They Are Lying
Two Women. One Conversation. A Lot of Truth.
Our host, Attorney Demetria and Relationship Expert and Matchmaker Spicy Mari, have both sat across from people in the same contradiction: someone swearing, with complete conviction, that they will never marry again and meaning it.. for a while.
Demetria hears it first. The declaration arrives mid-divorce, which is to say mid-crisis, when someone is fighting for their finances, their custody arrangement, their sense of self. Of course they are done. Then, eventually, they mosey themselves over to Mari. And the conversation quietly shifts. Not because they’ve failed to learn. But because the desire for connection does not disappear with a divorce decree. I mean… we all have needs.
Mari's Stat: Is the 68% Number Real?
Indeed. Pew Research Center, puts it plainly: 68% of divorced men and 64% of divorced women remarry. The "never again" position, it turns out, has an expiration date. Underneath the "I'm never doing this again" is someone who still wants to be chosen, known, and loved.
Enter the Second Marriage… Are second marriages more successful than first ones?
No. The conversation's most sobering note is the one Demetria and Mari both land on without blinking: First marriages end in divorce roughly 45–50% of the time. Second marriages fail at 60–67%. Third marriages, higher still. Experience alone doesn't improve outcomes.
How long do most second marriages last?
Second marriages that end in divorce do so faster than first ones — typically within 7 to 10 years. First marriages average over 10 years. So while you may have a different partner, you’ve got a shorter runway. Third marriages … a quickie.
Why? Because most people skip the part where they examine what they brought into the first marriage that didn't work. If the internal work does not happen between relationships, the outcome rarely changes.
The person changes. The patterns don’t friend.
So Why do Marriage(s) Fail?
Mari's framework for this is the Self-Expansion Theory, developed by Arthur Aron and now backed by four decades of peer-reviewed research. Its premise is straightforward: people are drawn to partners who expand them. New perspectives. New capacities. A version of themselves they hadn't accessed before.
At the start of a relationship, that expansion is continuous. Attraction is almost automatic.
Then comfort takes over Mari explains.
Growth slows.
The relationship shifts from expansion to maintenance and that is where erosion begins. When growth stops, attraction often follows. Not as a choice, but as a response. Studies show that couples who experience ongoing self expansion report higher satisfaction and stronger sexual desire. Without it, connection flattens.
By far, the most robust empirical evidence focuses on the link between self‐expansion and relationship well‐being, … when couples report more self‐expansion in their relationship, they feel more satisfied … report higher sexual desire (Goss et al. 2022; Muise et al. 2019), and are more likely to have sex (Muise et al. 2019).
People do not just leave marriages. They outgrow identities the relationship no longer supports.
So the real question is not whether you still love each other. It is whether you are still becoming. Those who build something different the second time do not just choose better partners. They do the work to become someone who continues to grow.
A Reminder for your 3am anxiety.
The conversation between Demetria and Spicy Mari is resonating because it tells the truth most people only think alone at 3am: you don't hate marriage. You hate who you stopped becoming inside of one. The data confirms it. The science explains it. And the people who build something that lasts the second time are not the lucky ones. They are the ones who did the honest work in between. That work is available to you right now.
If this gave you clarity, share it with someone who needs truth, not reassurance.
For more conversations at the intersection of relationships and legal reality, listen to the Legally Uncensored Podcast and explore more at legallyuncensoredpodcast.com.