Why Marriage Counselors Get It Wrong But Divorce Lawyers Know What Actually Works
10 Proven Tips About Making Marriage Last
When it comes to understanding what makes marriages fail, divorce lawyers have a unique perspective. We don't see relationships during their honeymoon phase—we witness them at their breaking point.
We want to be there BEFORE you are out there Googling “The Marriage Lesson I Learned Too Late.” The insights divorce lawyers gain from observing relationship patterns from the inside out; failed marriages offer invaluable lessons for couples seeking to strengthen their relationships. These aren't theoretical concepts from relationship books; they're real-world strategies based on patterns observed in thousands of actual divorce cases.
1. Get Brutally Honest About Who You Really Are
The foundation of lasting relationships isn't built on pretense—it's built on authentic self-awareness. As divorce lawyers we consistently see couples who never learned to communicate their actual needs and boundaries before resentment took root. This expertise comes from witnessing countless relationships where partners never truly understood themselves—or each other—deeply enough to build lasting connections. Consider this: how many arguments about household chores are really about feeling unheard or unappreciated? When you understand your own needs deeply enough to articulate them clearly, you provide your partner with a roadmap instead of expecting mind-reading abilities. The harsh reality divorce attorneys witness daily is that most people avoid uncomfortable conversations until they explode into legal proceedings. Successful couples have learned to navigate difficult discussions before they reach the crisis point.
The reality check: Spotting toxic patterns means facing the truth about yourself and catching red flags from others. Most people often dodge tough talks, which can spiral relationships into chaos, as our guest Marcus Weaver in the episode Toxic Hope: 4 Clues to Spot Narcissism Early, pointed out, often ending in divorce.Don't be like most people.
2. Small Daily Acts Beat Grand Gestures Every Single Time
Forget elaborate anniversary surprises, the couples who make it are those who consistently choose kindness in mundane moments: leaving thoughtful notes, checking in during busy days, and maintaining daily connection rituals. James Sexton Esq, on an episode of Diary of a CEO talks about “relationship maintenance is like compound interest.” Those small, consistent deposits of attention and care accumulate into something substantial over time. Meanwhile, day and day out, those of us in family law observe marriages that end up in divorce court are usually starved of daily attention, not lacking in passion.
Action step: Start with one small daily gesture. Text them something specific you appreciate. Every. Single. Day.
3. Plan for Failure (Yes, Really)
This approach isn't about anticipating failure—it's about removing fear and mystery from your relationship, allowing you to operate from choice rather than desperation.
Real talk: The uncomfortable truth from divorce court: couples who never discuss potential problems are often the ones most paralyzed by fear of them. Addressing difficult topics head-on, then returning to building your life together, creates a stronger foundation than avoiding reality. More on Prenups and having the hard conversations in our episode “The P word” with attorney Rachel King Esq. and our episode Ask Demetria that focuses on addressing relationship questions before they become legal battles.
4. Your Sex Life Is Your Marriage's Health Barometer
This topic makes people uncomfortable, but divorce lawyers can't ignore the data: sexual dissatisfaction appears as a leading factor in divorce cases. Not because physical intimacy is everything, but because it reflects how connected, prioritized, and desired partners feel in the relationship. When physical intimacy deteriorates, it's typically a symptom of deeper emotional disconnection. Addressing intimacy issues isn't superficial—it's essential relationship maintenance work that divorce attorneys wish more couples would prioritize.
Truth bomb: You can't neglect intimacy and expect everything else to flourish. Period.
5. Money Fights Are Never Really About Money
Divorce lawyers recognize this pattern immediately: If couples fight over budgets, then they may actually be fighting over control, security, or feeling valued. If one person sees it as "responsible saving," then the other might see it as "you don't trust me to make decisions." One experienced family law attorney shared a telling example: "I once had a divorce get held up for a year over a trampoline and a set of tools" while the couple spent thousands more in legal fees fighting over items worth a fraction of that cost. The money is just the battlefield. The real war is about power dynamics, identity, and whether you feel like equal partners or adversaries.
Strategy: Next time you disagree about spending, ask what the money represents to each of you. You might be surprised by what you discover.
6. Don't Let Your Kids Become Your Marriage's Third Wheel
This one hits hard for parents, but Sexton sees it repeatedly: couples who become so child-centric that they forget they're still partners. The kids become the only thing you talk about, your only shared activity, your primary identity. Meanwhile, you're becoming strangers who happen to share a mortgage and a carpool schedule. As one family law attorney observed after decades of practice: By the time they get to your office, "You see good people at their worst". And that cant mean anything good for the kiddos.
Wake-up call: Your kids need to see what a healthy partnership looks like more than they need to be the center of your universe 24/7.
7. Prenups Aren't Just for Rich People
Address Financial Expectations Early. These conversations reveal values, priorities, and expectations that can prevent future conflicts.
Reality check: If you can't discuss money, expectations, and hypothetical challenges before marriage, what makes you think you'll handle them better during a crisis?
8. Don't Lose Your Individual Identity
One of the biggest red flags family lawyers observe? People who abandon their friends, career goals, or personal interests "for the relationship." While this sacrifice might feel romantic initially, it consistently breeds long-term resentment. Your partner fell in love with a complete person. Don't turn yourself into half a person and expect the magic to continue.
9. Learn From Other Couples' Relationship Failures
The best part of practicing family law, according to many attorneys, is helping families before crisis points. The worst part? Watching preventable patterns repeat endlessly—couples who refuse to address obvious warning signs until they're beyond repair. Pay attention to patterns in failed relationships around you. Why learn these lessons the hard way when you can learn from other people's expensive mistakes? What warning signs do you recognize?
Smart move: Treat every divorce story you hear as data, not gossip. What lessons can you extract and apply to your own relationship?
10. Marriage Requires Active Skill Development
Marriage Can Be Worth It – But Only If You Do the Work. Here's what divorce lawyers know that many couples don’t: It's not about finding your soulmate and riding off into the sunset. It's about choosing someone you can build something meaningful with, then showing up every day to do that building.
Bottom line: Marriage rewards effort, attention, and skill, just like anything else worth having.
The Real Deal
Look, relationships aren't faltering simply because people are making the wrong choices. They're faltering because we often expect them to function effortlessly rather than recognizing them as the intricate, continuous efforts they truly are.
Having witnessed a fair share of relationship breakdowns, it’s clear to me that many of these disasters could have been avoided. The couples who succeed aren’t necessarily luckier or inherently more compatible; they’re the ones committed to doing the everyday, sometimes challenging work of nurturing their bond.
Your relationship deserves that level of intentionality. The question is: are you willing to give it?
Want more insights on building relationships that actually last? These strategies come from real-world legal experience, not wishful thinking. For more evidence-based relationship advice from legal professionals and other experts who see relationships from every angle, subscribe to our YouTube channel or listen to our podcast for ongoing insights that could transform your partnership.