A woman on r/Divorce asked, out of pure curiosity, which is worse: three years of a dead bedroom or three years of weekly duty sex. Her answer was the dead bedroom. At least it was honest. The replies read like a study in obligation: people doing what they didn't want to do so the marriage would look like it was working.
Is it better to be alone than unhappy in a marriage?
Often, yes. An unhappy marriage costs you time, money, and confidence, and obligation keeps the tab running. Being alone will cost you the marriage, but not yourself. Before deciding, say the problem out loud to your spouse. If nothing changes after you do, you’ve got your answer.
What does staying out of obligation cost you?
Your time. You can't get it back. The right partner gives you time back the wrong partner takes it away. Commenters described years of going along to keep the peace.
Your sense of what's possible. The wrong partner makes you think smaller. People will abandon career opportunities, educational advancement, business ideas and personal ambitions because the person closest to them (aka their “partner”) will criticize, dismiss or discourage their growth. You don’t need someone who will do the work, you just need someone who doesn't convince you to abandon everything for them.
Your money. The partner who won't plan, won't talk about money, and turns manageable problems into expensive ones is a financial drag. You're paying for it whether or not your name is on the credit card statement/loan docs etc.
How do you know if you're unhappy or just in a hard season?
Ask three questions.
Have you said the problem out loud to your spouse? Did anything change after you said it? Has it been this way longer than it was ever good? If you haven't said it, start there.
One last question, and no, you can't skip it. Are you staying because you're happy, or because leaving sounds like a lot of paperwork?
Take your time. Actually, don't. The years are adding up.
Leaving is information, not a verdict
Most people don't stay because they're happy. They stay because leaving feels like a judgment on them. It isn't. It's information. On the podcast, we talk about what to do once you have it.
Keep reading:
When your spouse finally starts "trying" after you've already checked out: why it's too little, too late
Am I being gaslit or is it a bad marriage? The legal difference in California
Come hear a divorce attorney ask the questions you want to know on Legally Uncensored.