Staying Married For The Kids: A “Bold” Strategy That Isn't Working

Booker Prize Shortlist entrant - The Rest of Our Lives opens with a decision most divorce attorneys have heard before: Tom Layward finds out his wife cheated, and instead of leaving, he makes a deal with himself. Stay until the youngest turns 18. Then go.

And we’ve seen folks say it. “He’s good with the kids.” “I can’t take the kids away from their mother.” Etc. And thats true. No one is suggesting that your spouses capacity to be a “good father” or “good mother” diminishes because you are no longer in the same home with them. That you’ve some how “taken away” their parent. Two people are in this. Well they are supposed to be.

What Does Waiting to Divorce Until the Kids Are Grown Actually Cost?

But what is happening whether especially said or not, is a financial and emotional holding pattern disguised as parenting. If you're waiting for your kids to turn 18 before you deal with your marriage, that's not patience. That's a financial decision you haven't looked at yet.

In the book Tom and Amy don't fight. They also don't talk, not really. He thinks calling her will summon "another person, who doesn't like you much these days." So he doesn't call. He tells his daughter about the trouble at his job. He tells his wife nothing. Sound familiar? You discover things about your partner or even worse, find things out about your marriage FROM other people, meanwhile you’re in the dark. You deserve better.

And your kids deserve better than to be in rooms where “you dont fight in front of the kids” but the energy is OFF, when mom or dad comes in the room. There’s no fighting but a nuclear fall out sits in the air of every room you both are in, if you are in them together.

Staying for the kids only works if you're honest about what you're actually staying for. If the real question underneath it is whether infidelity gets you here in the first place, we broke down what staying after betrayal actually requires, and what it doesn't. Read it before you make the "for the kids" decision permanent.

And if the marriage does end, custody is where "for the kids" gets tested again. Equal time sounds like the fair answer by default. Here's what actually happened when Arizona ran presumptive 50/50 custody for 13 years, and who it worked out for.

None of this ends when the youngest turns 18, either. The patterns you modeled while staying don't stay in the marriage, they get inherited. Here's what intergenerational divorce actually looks like, and what your kids carry forward whether you meant to hand it to them or not. Demetria breaks it down with Dr. Sherri on the podcast, no fluff, no fairy tales.